Sharing the Mental Load in Early Parenthood: How to Stop Doing It All

In this post, I want to talk about sharing the mental load in parenting, especially in those first two years with a baby or toddler. We’ll look at:

Why the mental load hits mums so hard

How to think about splitting childcare and night wakings realistically

Ways your partner can support you (even if you’re breastfeeding)

How to talk about parental roles without it turning into a fight

Because you absolutely do not have to carry this on your own.

The first two years of parenthood are intense.

You’re getting to know this tiny human, you’re up in the night, your body and identity are shifting, and on top of that… life admin, washing, meals, appointments, work, relationships.

It’s no wonder so many mums tell me they feel like they’re carrying the entire mental load of the family.

If you’ve ever thought:

“Why am I the one who remembers everything?”

“Why am I doing all the night wakings when we’re both tired?”

“Why does it feel like I’m project‑managing our whole life?”

…you’re not alone, and you’re not imagining it.

What Do We Mean By “The Mental Load” For Mums?

The mental load is everything you hold in your head to keep your family and home running.

It’s not just the visible jobs like washing up or changing nappies. It’s:

-Noticing you’re low on nappies and adding them to the shop

-Remembering the health visitor appointment and what questions you want to ask

-Knowing which side you fed on last

-Keeping track of nap times, bedtimes and wake windows

-Planning meals, checking the washing, thinking about nursery forms, birthday presents…

It’s the constant, invisible project management that usually (but not always) falls on mums, especially in those early years.

And when you add sleep deprivation and frequent night wakings on top? It’s a lot.

Why The Mental Load Often Falls On Mum (Especially With Babies)

There are some very common patterns I see in families with little ones under two:

-Mum is on maternity leave, so it feels “logical” that she does more

-Dad/partner is working outside the home, so everyone tries to “protect their sleep”

-If you’re exclusively breastfeeding, it can feel like only you can respond at night

-You might feel guilty asking for help, or worry you’re being “unfair”

And to be really clear: this doesn’t mean dads don’t care or don’t want to help. More and more, I’m seeing dads doing a lot more than they used to.

But the lion’s share of the mental load still tends to land on mums – partly because of how our systems are set up, and partly because we just quietly pick things up and get on with it.

Here’s the thing I really want you to remember:

Women actually need more sleep than men.

So while it might feel “fair” that you do more night wakings because you’re on maternity leave, your need for rest is not less important.

Sharing Night Wakings When You Have A Baby Under Two

One of the biggest questions in those first years is:

“How do we split night wakings and night feeds fairly?”

There’s no one‑size‑fits‑all answer, but here are some things to think about.

If you’re exclusively breastfeeding

In the early months, feeding is the priority. We want to make sure your baby is:

Feeding well

Gaining weight

Thriving

So yes, you may be the main person up at night for a while. But that doesn’t mean your partner is off the hook.

They can:

Bring baby to you for feeds and settle them afterwards

Change nappies before/after a feed

Take the first part of the night with baby in a sling or next to them so you can get a stretch of sleep

Take over in the early morning so you can go back to bed

If your baby is older and still feeding every hour all night, it may be more habit than hunger. Often we can gently stretch feeds out so they’re feeding every 2–3 hours and taking more at once, rather than snacking constantly.

This is where partner involvement at night can be really powerful. If baby wakes and doesn’t need a feed, your partner can go in first and offer comfort without the smell of milk. They’re familiar, safe, and crucially… they don’t smell like the goods.

If you’re bottle feeding or mixed feeding

If you’re using bottles at all, you have more flexibility to share night feeds:

Alternate nights

Split the night into shifts (e.g. one does 10pm–2am, the other 2am–6am)

One does nights during the week, the other does more at weekends

There’s no perfect formula, but the key is that you both feel the arrangement is fair and sustainable – not that one of you is silently drowning.

Sharing The Mental Load When Your Partner Can’t Help At Night

Sometimes, for all sorts of reasons, your partner genuinely can’t help much with night wakings:

They work shifts or very long hours

They have health issues

They’re away with work (I know this one well from my own experience!)

If that’s you, it becomes even more important to share the mental load elsewhere.

Ask yourself:

-If I’m doing most of the nights, what can my partner take off my plate in the day?

-Can they do the morning routine so I can stay in bed a bit longer?

-Can they be in charge of washing, cooking, or food shopping?

-Can they batch cook at the weekend so we have easy meals ready?

You don’t have to be the one doing everything just because you’re the one up at night.

How To Talk To Your Partner About Sharing The Mental Load

This is where it can feel sticky. You’re exhausted, they’re tired, and it’s easy for conversations to turn into arguments or score‑keeping.

A few gentle ideas:

1. Start from “we’re in this together”

Instead of: “You never help,” try:

“We’re in this together, and I’m really struggling with how much I’m holding right now. Can we sit down and look at everything that needs doing and how we can share it more fairly?”

Make it about the team, not about blame.

2. Get the invisible load out of your head and onto paper

Write down everything that lives in your brain:

Night wakings, feeds, nappies

Appointments, baby groups, family admin

Washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping

Mental tracking of naps, bedtime, sleep routines

Seeing it written down can be a real eye‑opener for your partner. It also makes it easier to say, “Which of these can you take responsibility for?”

3. Be specific about what you need

Instead of hoping they’ll just “see” what needs doing, try:

“Can you be in charge of all the washing?”

“Can you take the morning shift so I can sleep until 7?”

“Can you handle bedtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays?”

Specific, clear requests are much easier to say yes to than a vague “help more”.

4. Keep checking in

The first two years are very demanding, and what works at 3 months might not work at 18 months. Make it normal to say:

“Can we review how this is working? I’m feeling really tired again and I think we need to tweak things.”

Open communication is one of the best antidotes to resentment – especially when you’re both sleep deprived.

Every Family Is Different – But You Don’t Have To Struggle Alone

Every family approaches sleep and parental roles with a different mindset. Some are happy to do more attachment‑style, all‑night contact. Others are desperate for a bit more structure and rest.

There is no one “right” way.

What matters is:

-You’re not silently suffering

-You feel like you’re on the same team

-You have a way to share the mental load that feels fair enough for both of you

And if you’re dealing with frequent night wakings, constant exhaustion, or a baby who will only settle for you, you don’t have to just push through and hope it gets better.

I offer gentle, tailored sleep support that looks at:

Your baby’s age and sleep needs

Your feeding choices

Your family’s values and what you want nights to look like

How to share the load in a way that works for you

If you’re reading this thinking, “Yes, that’s us,” drop me a message and tell me your little one’s age and what you’re struggling with most – nights, naps, or just feeling like you’re doing it all. We can work out a gentle, realistic plan that supports your baby’s sleep and your wellbeing as parents.